Pengorbanan

When it's Aidiladha, I always think it is a holiday and there's nothing much too it.

Cause my family wasn't the kind where we celebrate Aidiladha as grand as Aidilfitrie.

But when it's Aidiladha,we often hear the story of our Prophet Ibrahim and his sacrifice. 

Everytime I hear this story, I always think WOW! His dedication is something admirable. 

And when I think of sacrifice, i think about my parents sacrificing their time n money for us five siblings and how can i be the same when i have my own family someday. 

This year has been different, when i think of sacrifice, i think about my parents n the time i had to sacrifice my trip to Korea because of my heart surgery. 

Well, my friends and I have been planning for this trip for almost a year. If you are among my friends, you'll know I'm obsessed with KPOP songs and Kdrama. And going to Korea will be a dream come true. 

However, a day before my trip, I received a call from the hospital that my turn was up to go through surgery (cause I was on the waiting list for quite some time). If I decline this call, I'll never know when the next date for my surgery. Maybe I have to wait another year for my name to come up again. So I was in dilemma, and I tell you It was the worst! It's either going there and have fun with friends and not knowing when is the next date of my surgery. Or go through with the surgery and I have to sacrifice all the money I spend in buying tickets to go there.  Either or, I still need to go through surgery. It's a heart surgery! After a long discussion with family and friends and I think, it's a matter of health and we can find money anywhere. I chose my heart and not Korea. 

The dilemma I went through, the sacrifice I made.. Sometimes it's difficult to choose which one to sacrifice.  Will it be worth it? What happens next? It's hard and scary at the same time. I'm thankful cause I have a very understanding friends and supportive family. Either one I choose, I know I will feel safe. 

 And now I wonder the feeling of other people who went through a bigger sacrifice than mine?

Lets Hustle!

I'm a big fan of the KPOP world..

I'm like the hipster of KPOP....

Hahaha...

Condemn me as much as you want..

But sometimes they make really really good songs either Pop or Ballad. 

I can't deny it.. 

Below are among my favourites for this month...

p/s: i know i'm biased. well~~~

a hole in my heart part 2

so...

after a while, i have finished my studies in the UK and came back to Malaysia. I continued my studies in Kelantan which was my final year of my degree.
I still felt discomfort around the chest area... and I'm still in denial, I did what everyone in denial does, ignore it...

One day, I felt like I gotta go to the clinic to find out what's wrong with me. The discomfort feeling kept me thinking and it scared me. And I really want that discomfort to go away. Hence, I took the opportunity from a canceled outing plan with a few of my friends and went to a clinic.

So, I met with this doctor and I told him my worries. I'm thankful that I've met him cause he really took my worries into consideration. He checked me and then, he said this one thing and made me speechless. I think he said "There is an inconsistent rhythm in your heat beat, we're setting up a new machine so we can be sure whether there's really a problem regarding your heart or not" (gulp and my eyes start to get teary)

The doctor checked on me using the machine that they used for pregnant women. He checked and checked. Then he said to me "There IS an irregularity found in your heart, we called it ASD, where you have a hole in the upper chamber of your heart". I cried again. He said "There is no medication for this problem but there is a solution which will be a surgery, I'm gonna write you a referral letter, and you are going to take it to a government hospital" I really can't think or hear anything. I just cried.

After that, I went out from the doctor's room, I cried in front of my friends and told them what the doctor had told me. I was really not in the mood in driving back to the hostel, yet, among all the friends that I've brought to accompany me, none of them can drive. So, I had to drive back with all the tears in my eyes.

I went to my room, I cried again and again and again. I was really hoping one of my friends came into my room and comfort me. But I think they were shocked as well and didn't know what to do. My roommate who was 4 years younger than me came in and see me with this red eyes and red nose, asked what is wrong with me. i just told her i was sick.

So, that day was first day knowing I have a hole in the heart. to be continued....

a hole in the heart (Part 1)

it has been a while since i posted something in this blog.

many things had happened and i intended to write them all in this blog. but as usual, laziness, busy-ness and everything else went in the way.

i just want to share my experience of being an ASD patient. in which it means i have a hole in the upper chamber of my heart since i was born. and here i am, at the age of 23 years old, i've just realize the effect of the hole on me.

it all started when i was in MARJON, United Kingdom. i realized something was wrong with me. i got this weird 'angin'. it went non-stop. i will continue to burp and burp and burp. i thought it was a case of 'angin'. maybe i ate something minty or what not. i drank/ate all kind of remedies to get rid of the 'angin'. my housemate even said it may happened because i drank tea all the time. so i only drank milo from that very day.

till one day, i can feel my heart skips a beat. i turn pale. i was scared. i didn't even tell my housemates. a few weeks later, it happened again. it was when i was helping my friend moving boxes from her house, then erkkk!! i can feel my heart stretched and skipped a beat again. i immediately ran back to my house. calmed myself down. and hope it wasn't serious and prayed hard it won't happen again. i was wrong.... it did happened again.. it was when i was about to go to a trip to Scotland. it really happened outside of my house. and i still didn't want to tell my friends. i was scared and i really don't want to ruin the trip. i wore a thick scarf around my neck and covered my chest. i thought it was because of the cold weather that i became like that. and thankfully, it only happened at the beginning of the trip.

since all of the incidents happened, i realized it affected my chest. i felt sore around the left area of my chest. i put ointment on it, hoping the sore will go away. however, i kinda knew the sore is coming from my heart. i was scared to admit it and get a check up. and i still  kept it a secret from my friends and family. i really dont want to worry them.

to be continued......